Youth vs. Old Age

Alyssa has seen fourteen summers; eight cities with populations greater than 500,000; less than 3 percent of the earth's surface; no deaths; one birth; the inside of four hospitals; and the inside of one thousand three hundred and ninety-eight family dwellings (all of them within the continental US). She has an opinion about almost everything. She's pretty sure she is right. Youth.

Harry is in the hospital at this very moment (the 82nd hospital he's seen). He has a tube in his nose that brings him oxygen so he won't die, another tube that puts food right into his blood since he can't chew, and yet another tube that carries away his liquid wastes. Harry has a very intimate knowledge of tubes. In addition to this knowledge of tubes, he's seen 73 summers; 23 cities with populations greater than 500,000; over 6 percent of the earth's surface; hundreds of deaths (enough that he can no longer count them); three births; and the inside of over fourteen thousand family dwellings (spread among eight different countries). Harry has an opinion about almost everything, but he's pretty sure he is probably wrong about an awful lot of it. Old age.

Sucks to be Harry, don't it? If you had to choose, would you be the young, foolish, know-it-all with fourteen summers under your belt and the ability to do a passable imitation of the latest dance moves popularized by Britney Spears, or would you be the worldly wise Harry with an intimate knowledge of medical tubing, among other things? Easy question. Isn't it?

Here's a secret: both Harry and Alyssa will see three more summers before they experience what it feels like to die (once each). Now which would you rather be?

Before you answer, take note: Harry will recover tomorrow and be released from the hospital the day after that, around three in the afternoon. He will go home to a wife who loves him. His children and grandchildren will come and see him. He will savor each and every moment of his life like never before, at least partially because he will now have an intimate knowledge of tubes; a knowledge that he won't need again. Tomatoes will taste better to Harry, as will clam chowder. The weeds in his front yard--the ones he's been trying to get rid of for years--will now amaze him with their tenacity. His grandchildren will seem much more clever and interesting (just ask him). Even the pain in his knuckles that he gets before a thunderstorm will be welcome.

Alyssa, on the other hand, will spend the next three years mostly upset in one way or another. Some examples include (but are not limited to)...

1. Getting a new boyfriend with whom she is happy for a total of 17 and one half hours, before she begins to obsess about whether or not he REALLY likes her, and what he thinks about her latest hair style, and whether or not he was checking out the swollen, milk-production glands which jut from the upper torso of Katie Oswald. Alyssa's new boyfriend will get really sick of this within another 22 hours, and they will spend much of their time together, over a seven month period, frustrated and angry. When they finally break up Alyssa will spend weeks crying. Weeks!
   
2. Receiving a new transportation device (courtesy of dear old dad) which will have four doors, power steering, a "bitchin'" stereo, and a moon roof. In addition it will have the attributes of being close to the ground, streamlined, and fast in comparison to the vehicles other girls her age drive...if they have vehicles to drive at all. Alyssa will decide within three days that it isn't as cool as the car Beverly Dempsey drives. She really hates Beverly Dempsey, the snotty bitch. Alyssa will also be very angry when her father expects her to pay for her own gas. This will force her to get a job which she will hate. She will be even more angry when a young rival (no doubt envious of the size and shape of Alyssa's budding milk-production glands and streamlined transportation device) uses a sharp piece of metal to scratch a line into Alyssa's transportation device. The scratch will extend down the driver's side from front to back a total distance of 27 inches.
   
3. Noticing the fact that, although many boys become excited by the size and shape of her milk-production glands and by the size and shape of the large muscles on either side of her tail bone, there are several boys who aren't. One of them especially--Beverly Dempsey's brother--won't seem to notice these attributes of hers. Alyssa will undertake many actions to remedy this. One of these actions will be; to buy trendy, expensive, revealing clothes which she hopes will emphasize said physical attributes in case the young man in question wasn't aware of her physical qualities (because they weren't set off to their best advantage). This action will result in no noticeable difference in the young man's demeanor and a number of loud and emotional brew-ha-ha's with her father who will object to the expense and cut of the new clothes. Another of these actions will be; to consume large quantities of liquid alcohol at a youth get-together where the young man is present. Alyssa will do this in the hopes that he might think this action admirable and subsequently find her physical attributes more interesting. This won't work either, although the quantities of alcohol she consumes will cause her to lose consciousness. Some of the boys who had previously noted her physical qualities and found them admirable will take the opportunity thus provided and capture on film images of the parts they find most admirable, sans expensive and well cut clothing. Thanks to the miracles of modern technology, the images will be quickly and inexpensively made available to anyone at her school who wants to see them. This will result in further unhappiness on the part of Alyssa. And so on, and so on.

So, now that you know them a little better, would you rather be young, beautiful Alyssa or old, feeble Harry?